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Tag: Habit Formation

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The Art of Pausing

We almost never watch live TV anymore. It’s liberating to watch if you want, what you want, when you want. Another liberating feature of modern TV is, whether your watching from a DVR or a streaming service, you can press “Pause” until the kids quiet down or while you take a snack (or potty) break or answer the phone. When sports come back, that’s one thing we’ll watch live, and you can even “pause” live TV like a game. Of course, one great thing about that is you can catch up by fast forwarding through the ads. I’ve even been known to fast forward between plays of a football game.

The “Pause” button obviously has many benefits when enjoying recorded or even live media. Less obvious, perhaps, but very important, are the benefits of pressing “Pause” to personal growth. Learning to pause allows growth to catch up with you. In other words, it’s in the pause that most growth happens. Leadership teacher, John Maxwell, has said, “Experience is not the best teacher, evaluated experience is the best teacher.” If experience alone made one better, then everyone who has been in the same job longer would be better than their “less experienced” colleagues. We know that’s not always the case. That’s because you need to evaluate and learn from your experience in order to grow, and you have to pause in order to evaluate.

The Power of the Pause

To “evaluate” means literally “to find the value.” Pausing provides the opportunity to reflect which means “to think deeply or carefully about.” If we take the time to think deeply and carefully about our experiences in order to find the value in them, that process is what turns experience into insight. Insight is the wisdom we gain from evaluating our experience and that wisdom is what guides us into a better future. That’s growth.

Pausing is essential to personal growth. But, when should I pause? I would recommend pausing at least at these times:

  1. The beginning of each day to go over the most important things in the day and your growth plan.
  2. At the end of each day to replay the crucial events of the day and evaluate them.
  3. At one point during the weekend to do the same for each week as you do daily
  4. Monthly as you change over your calendar, the exercise is the same for each frequency, you are just evaluating a larger arc of your experience
  5. An annual week or weekend to review and plan the whole year. My wife always chooses a word or short phrase for the coming year during the holidays. She lets us know that this is the year of …
  6. Finally, pause as immediately as you can after significant experiences.

Our society seems to get more and more frenetic by the year. Pausing can seem almost counter-intuitive. But, the more you do it, the more opportunity you give yourself to learn and grow.

Use your “I’s” When You Pause

Here are four approaches to your Pause time that may be helpful.

  1. Investigate – interrogate yourself and your experience to explore it’s value
  2. Incubate – I also call it percolating or marinating. The idea is to let thoughts and experiences grow to their full potential. You may want to lift the lid on that crockpot from time to time to see how their doing.
  3. Illuminate – here you actively place a value score on your experiences. Scoring them helps you seek out more of the higher value growth opportunities. Note: some of the highest value experiences can be painful ones which I do not recommend seeking out but value them highly.
  4. Illustrate – turn your evaluated experiences into lessons which you can share with others to help them grow. See #2 under “How to Re-set Your Value” from last week.

We have all had a life full of experiences. Some of those experiences have been good and some have been bad. Those of us who have grown and learned from our experiences are the ones who have taken the time to pause and reflect on them. Set an alarm on your phone for this evening that says, “Pause.” When it goes off, stop what you’re doing and take 5 minutes to reflect on one specific experience from today.

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Celebrating 100!

This is the 100th post for Engager Dynamics! Whoo Whoo … celebrate good times, c’mon!” I love that song! Anyway, it’s the 100th post since I’ve been numbering them like I currently do. I write my posts in Evernote then copy and paste them into my website engagerdynamics.com with wordpress. WordPress automatically posts them to LinkedIn and I paste the link into my facebook profile manually since facebook stopped allowing automatic postings awhile ago. I recently created a facebook business page for Engager Dynamics and am working on improving that. I said “at least since I’ve been numbering them the way I do” because WordPress tells me I’ve actually posted 107 times. That’s because I posted a few extras in the middle of the week that I numbered with an “a” after the main post number.

What’s It All About?

I’ve been providing contracted services to clients in multiple industries for over 20 years. In some of those engagements we provided staff who were supervised by the client’s leadership team. It was particularly clear in those situations how strongly lack of engagement negatively impacted the business. I’ve observed that same negative impact within organizations I’ve worked for as well as within partner organizations. Those who really engage are rare and that bothers me. So, I decided to add value by sharing some important truths I’ve learned along the way and that’s what got me started with this blog.

I normally post every Monday morning before 6 AM on the west coast. In my second post, nearly two years ago, I defined what I mean by Engager Dynamics. In short, this blog is about the things we can do to connect or engage with people at work in ways that improve relationships and organizational outcomes. The posts fall into four main categories;

  1. Engager Dynamics (the core actions that lead to engagement)
  2. Leadership (topics a little more broadly about leadership)
  3. Habit Formation (how to make a habit of doing the good stuff)
  4.  Listening (a skill so critical it deserves its own category)

You can find the last 15 posts in each category listed on my “Posts by Category” page. Some of them overlap and there is another category on that page called “Words.” I call myself a word nerd, and this category captures posts where I share a specific word definition or two regardless of the main topic.

What’s Next?

Over the last few years I’ve developed a training that has been well received by several clients. The training focuses on the specific actions leaders can take to engage with their people. I’ve been refining the training lately and recently did an informal poll of readers to see which title would be more interesting. I had two choices 1. “Best.Boss.Ever. – How to Be the Best Boss Your People Will Ever Have” or 2. “The 12 Transformational Laws of Engagement.” Just over 70% preferred number 2.

The next question is delivery method. In addition to offering the training in person, I’d like to make it available more widely. I wonder how people might prefer to receive it. I could present it in an e-book, or as an audio file series, or as a series of videos. What do you think? If you were interested in a teaching on “The 12 Transformational Laws of Engagement,” how would you prefer to receive it? Thanks in advance for letting me know.

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The Power of Reflection

A few years ago I was working with the CEO of a contract facilities services company on a presentation for a major client in Pittsburgh. On our way to the presentation, the CEO asked each member of the team, “How long have you been doing this kind of work?” He wanted to (and did) tell the client the number of combined years of industry experience our team represented. The client seemed impressed which pleased the CEO. I remember wondering then, “What does that really tell anyone?” Just because someone’s been doing something for a long time doesn’t mean they’re necessarily good at it. We seem to have the idea that “Experience is the best teacher.” I agree, however, with my friend and mentor John Maxwell who says, “Experience is not the best teacher. Evaluated experience is.” There’s a big difference and it’s in the power of reflection.

Review the Video

During many sporting events, coaches can ask for a review of a particular call. They believe the call was wrong so officials review the video. When a crime has been committed, police will look for any video from cellphones or security systems to see if there might be evidence available there.

Our minds are like video cameras. They capture everything. The clips are readily available to review especially shortly after the event was recorded. I recommend a regular review of our mental video. As soon after an interaction or event as possible, take some time to review the video to evaluate how it went. Pay close attention to your own activity. What words and tone did you use during the interaction/event? What did your body language convey to others?

Also, pay close attention to the responses of the others in the video whether they were direct participants or bystanders. Were they receptive or closed off? Did they interact or retreat? What other observations can you make from the video?

Reflect

Once you’ve made the above observations about your mental video, it’s time to evaluate the interaction/event, to reflect. If you look up “Reflection” you will find these definitions:

  1. Your response to experiences, opinions, events or new information.
  2. Your response to thoughts and feelings.
  3. A way of exploring your learning.
  4. An opportunity to gain self-knowledge.
  5. A way to achieve clarity and better understanding of what you are learning.

That list actually came under the definition of “Reflective Writing” which I strongly recommend as a way to clarify your thinking and memorialize your learning. I find it helpful to write out answers to the following three questions when I’m reflecting.

What went well? – What positive results came from that interaction? For example, Was a plan developed? Was movement forward toward a metric made? Did the interaction show positive teamwork?

What would I do differently? – Knowing what you’ve observed, how would you approach that same situation differently in the future. To prevent something called “Hindsight Bias” this is a good place to ask, “What could/should I have known prior to this event? What was/was not predictable, and how will I change my approach in the future?

What benefit did I (others) receive? – This goes beyond the benefits you may have listed under “What went well?” This is about what you learned and how you and others grew as a result of that interaction/event.

Expand the View

Beyond reflection on a single interaction or event, the real value in reflection comes from making it a habit. Spend some time either before bed or early in the morning to reflect on the past day. Part of your weekend could be well-spent evaluating the past week. John Maxwell spends the last two weeks of each year reflecting on the entire year.

We will only be better tomorrow if we learn and grow today. Experience is only the best teacher if we learn from it. Evaluated hindsight leads to clearer foresight. That’s the power of reflection.

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A Faith Based Approach to Habit Formation

On Sunday I was able to share again with our friends at Grace Community Church. The title of this one was “How to Make Righteousness Your Habit.” We don’t hear that word, Righteousness, very often these days. But, it’s a good word and imagine how our society would be if it were more people’s habit.

There was no video this week, but they posted the audio which I’ve attached here.

 

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I Blew It!

Have you ever gotten it wrong? Ever blown it? When was the last time you made a decision or acted in a way that turned out to be wrong? It didn’t bring about the desired outcome or it was actually counterproductive. Every one of us has, more than once. Now, when was the last time you acknowledged it? What did you do to acknowledge it? I had to acknowledge a failure last week which involved spelling out what the failure was and apologizing for a negative effect on a co-worker. That’s not fun.

Leaders Do Well to Admit When They Are Wrong

That heading is from a Dale Carnegie white paper called, “Recognizing Leadership Blind Spots.” Here’s an excerpt:

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes. That’s life, and making mistakes is part of it. How we handle situations in which we realize we’re wrong, though, says volumes about what kind of person we are. It takes high levels of honesty, integrity, and courage to admit when you’re wrong. Perhaps that’s why so few leaders do it. More than eight in ten respondents worldwide (81%) said that having a leader who will admit when he or she is wrong is important or very important to inspiring them to give their best efforts at work. Admitting when you are wrong demonstrates that the environment is safe for taking calculated risks, making mistakes and learning from them. And while good leaders will usually make the right calls, even the best will undoubtedly have opportunities to prove their reliability, trustworthiness and integrity by owning their mistakes.

I especially like the part about a safe environment for taking calculated risks, making mistakes and learning from them. John Maxwell says there are two kinds of people in regards to setbacks (mistakes):

  • Splatters; those who hit the bottom, fall apart and stay on the bottom;
  • Bouncers; those who hit rock bottom, pull themselves together, and bounce back up.

Mistakes are not usually fatal. In fact, mistakes are sometimes the best way to learn. Failing forward is how we learned to walk and communicate. We took a step, fell, got back up, took another step, fell, got back up, took two steps …

Different Kinds of Mistakes

Some kinds of mistakes bring a greater learning opportunity than other kinds. Some kinds of mistakes come from things we tried on purpose while others are more accidental. Mindworks.com calls these “Aha moment Mistakes”, “Sloppy Mistakes”, “Stretch Mistakes”, and “High Stakes Mistakes” according to the matrix below:

The lesson here is twofold. First, make sure your failures are not just the sloppy kind. Make sure you are failing because you are trying to find new and better ways to do things. Another quote from John Maxwell sums this up, “Fail early, fail often, but always fail forward.”

Second, again, own your mistakes. Analyze what went wrong. Talk about what went wrong with all the stakeholders. If someone was hurt in the process, be sure to apologize for those consequences. Also, and this is very important for creating an environment where your people want to learn and grow, forgive when others make mistakes. Because, we’ve all been there.

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The Attitude of Gratitude

Yesterday I had the privilege of speaking to a group of new friends at Grace Community Church in Lathrop, CA. This is Thanksgiving week so I shared about Thanksgiving. It wasn’t about turkey and pilgrims, though. It was about the Attitude of Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me at all, knows I’m a word nerd so here you go, the definition of Attitude is – “a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person’s behavior.” I called it the Attitude of Gratitude. We explored two questions about the Attitude of Gratitude, Why? and How?

Why Be Grateful?

There are more reasons to be grateful then there is space to write about, but I shared four in particular:

First, The attitude of gratitude is good for you. Studies have shown that consistent gratitude is good for your mental health and physical well-being. Grateful people are better looking! Think about the most ungrateful person you know. Picture their face. Now picture a consistently grateful person. Who looks better? Grateful people have more friends because gratitude is attractive of positive relationships. Grateful people get more stuff because it’s way more fun to give to a grateful person.

Second, the attitude of gratitude is aligned with reality. The more we align our thinking and living with reality (some call it truth), the better our lives will be. This reality is that everything you have is a gift. I know you’ve all worked hard and earned your way. But, think of this question, how hard did you work to start your heart in your mother’s womb? Or, think of this question, how hard did you work to make sure your parents met? With everything that had to happen, the fact that any of us is even here is a miracle. Our lives are a gift, gratitude is the appropriate response to a gift. Your mama taught you that.

Third, the attitude of gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. We are living in a culture of entitlement (word nerd alert): “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.” Entitlement is like a poison that withers people and cultures. It hollows them out and makes them weak. Entitlement is the epitome of ingratitude. Developing gratitude is the antidote. For the sake of ourselves, our children and our culture, we need to become a grateful people.

Fourth, the attitude of gratitude is a mark of obedience. The apostle Paul writes in two places in the New Testament of the Bible: “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be Thankful.” Colossians 3:15. And, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18. God’s commands always have a practical “why.” See the first three reasons for the attitude of gratitude for examples

How Can We Be Grateful?

I approached this question from three angles.

First, how can I have gratitude when bad stuff is happening to me? This is where the rubber meets the road for most of us. We all know about bad stuff happening in our lives. “Feel the burn” is a way of looking at the physical suffering of exercise as a positive thing. It means that our endurance is increasing. The physical suffering of exercise produces endurance that proves itself on the field or court when you perform. Seeing that progress of endurance and improved performance makes you feel good about the result like, “maybe there’s hope for me after all!” The same is true with character (check out Romans 5:1-5 in the New Testament, google it).

Second, how can I develop gratitude? Simply put, train your brain. Experts say we have 50K – 80K thoughts per day. Wow! fortunately our brains filter those thoughts so that we are often aware of only a fraction of them. The filter you have is either developed by your circumstances or you can adjust it yourself by what you think about. Your life gravitates in the direction of your most dominant thoughts like a flower grows toward the sun. We become what we think most about. You have the ability to choose what to think about. As the apostle Paul said, again, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” Try keeping a daily journal of what went well today and what you are thankful for. Study that journal on a weekly basis. That will help train your brain and adjust your filter.

Finally, how can I express gratitude? Use your words. Say “please” and “thank you” often. Use your gifts. When you use the gifts you’ve been given (physical or spiritual) it honors the giver. Finally, use your body. You had to be there yesterday to get the experience, but suffice it to say we practice expressing our gratitude to God for his goodness in the same way we express our excitement over our sports teams.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

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LIVE2LEAD

I’ve written several times in this blog about cultivating an atmosphere for growth at work. I wrote directly about the Engager Dynamic called “Cultivate,” for example, in this post. Later the topic was “How to Make a Habit of Cultivating. There are also several posts that discuss personal and professional growth without “cultivate” or “growth” in the title. I’ve marked them with the tag “Growth.” This past weekend I put it into practice. A friend and fellow John Maxwell Team member hosted an event called “LIVE2LEAD: a half-day leader development experience” on Saturday. The event was a recorded rebroadcast of a John Maxwell Academy simulcast event from earlier in the year.

My friend, Arabella Whitlock (Arabellashope.com), was hosting the event and since I’m also a John Maxwell Team member I was not planning to bring any of my work team to prevent the appearance of a conflict of interest even though I receive nothing for attending or bringing anyone. However, a few weeks before the event, one of my co-workers called me to her computer screen and asked me if I had ever heard about what she was looking at. She had the LIVE2LEAD event on her screen and said she would like to attend. At that point I changed my mind and made the event available to everyone on our leadership team at work free of charge to them.

Three people from the team were free on the Saturday and signed up. We met for breakfast beforehand which was a great team building time as well. The event itself was wonderful. Each of us had multiple growth take-aways that will make us better in life and at work. One of our people even won the big door prize (it was the one who first said she wanted to go) which was way cool!

I know Arabella is able to present the event until February 28, 2020. Check out her website above for more information. If you can’t do something like that, let me encourage you to cultivate a growth environment and provide growth opportunities for yourself and your co-workers. Our organizations can only rise to the level of our leadership.

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A Rudder and Sail

Many years ago I was in a job I wasn’t sure about and living in a place I didn’t like that much. I was unsure about the future and while apparently feeling a bit melodramatic I wrote this little poem:

 

A cork adrift
Tossed by every wave and gale
“God’s Will,” he smiles
But Oh, for a rudder and sail!

Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt like life was just happening to you and there wasn’t anything you could do about it? John Maxwell puts it like this, “Most people don’t lead their life, they accept their life.” Sir Ken Robinson says it this way, “Many people spend their entire lives doing things they don’t really care for. They endure their lives and wait for the weekend with no real sense of fulfillment, with a general sense of tolerance for it, or not.”

Live On Purpose

Earlier this week I finished reading a book by John Maxwell called Intentional Living: Choosing a Life that Matters. It’s all about choosing to take certain actions in your life that will lead to what he calls a life of significance. He defines significance as using what you have and what you’ve achieved to add value to other people. Maxwell believes once you’ve tasted significance, success will never again be enough.

I keep all my notes in a program called Evernote. I’ve been doing it for years so there is a lot stored in there. After finishing the book, I started looking through my notes and I ran across something I wrote a year and a half ago. I have reproduced those notes verbatim below. The graphic with this post is something I created in Powerpoint to represent what you will read here.

Quoted Notes

Yesterday (April 5, 2018) I listened to three podcasts that all had a similar theme – being intentional (having goals, living on purpose, etc.). I took this as being from the Lord.

  1. One was by “Z” who wrote “13 things you have to give up to be successful,” It was called “The Ultimate Productivity Cheat Sheet.”
  2. Two were Morris Invest podcasts. One was with David Hoyt who used to work with John Maxwell. It was called “Men and Limiting Beliefs: How to Make a Change.”
  3. The final was with Ken McElroy of Rich Dad renown. It was called “The ABCs of Real Estate Investing.”

David, in particular, sparked this idea. He talked about 10 buckets of life where he works to be intentional. I want to think about it in terms of several (may not be 10) points where my life connects to the world and how I can be intentional there.

Last night I had dinner with Suzi at Baja and asked her about 3 top places she would like to travel. She doesn’t know this was part of me thinking about being intentional as a husband. She said she would like to visit the Holy Land, Sweden, and Peru or Chile or Uruguay or Paraguay.

Follower: My connection to Jesus as a disciple (learner and imitator) – pray, memorize, transformational interaction with others

Husband: My connection to Suzi as a protector, lover (warrior poet) – initiate fun (travel), complete house projects, hear and remember what she says about everything (Focus attention), take a stand for her

Father: My connection to Joshua, Justin, Juliana, Jordan, and Janessa as a teacher and guide and reflector of God’s image – don’t flare up (patience), be fun during work, not preachy but share openly my motivations, advocate for them

Son: My connection to Mom and  Dad as an honorer – more frequent contact

Brother: My connection to Steve and Dan as a friend and supporter (as well as to their children). This extends to Tom and Becky and their families as well – initiate contact, stay up to date on their lives

Friend: My connection to (List) as a rememberer and channel of God’s love – initiate contact to show I’m thinking about them.

Steward: My connection to Wealth as a conduit to my family and the Kingdom – work on new job, engager dynamics, real estate investing

Colleague: My connection to Work as a Listener/Learner/Teacher – Leader – continuous learning about the job at hand (at this writing it is the 3 KP regional projects for Xanitos)

Neighbor: My connection to Community (larger or smaller) as a contributing member/Leader – Community involvement, get to know my neighbors

I have spent most of my life in a passive mode (“A Cork Adrift”). Leaders are prone to taking action. What actions do I need to take to be intentional about strengthening these connections? I need to set some goals for each connection and develop the skills necessary to reach those goals. Each day I must take action on developing these skills and reaching the goals.

The List above has 9 connections. They seem to break down into three levels of closeness (?), Intimate, Immediate, Infinite.

Update

Ten days after writing those notes I published my first Engager Dynamics post and have consistently posted every Monday since. My hope is that some of what I share will be helpful to you. I’ve changed jobs since then. We’ve purchased one rental property. I’ve become a certified John Maxwell speaker, trainer, and coach with a license to train on the DISC model to improve workplace relationships.

We haven’t yet visited any of Suzi’s places but we did make a road trip that was important to her earlier this year. I haven’t done as well on some of the others but I will get better. The point is I do have a rudder and sail and so do you. I hope this encourages you to take action and make a difference in your world.

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A Lesson About Growth From a Rubber Band

How many uses can you think of for a rubber band? Holding your newspaper together (which is the first common use of rubber bands outside of factories), holding long hair out of your face, shooting your friend from across the room, a reminder around your wrist, a tool for “snapping” yourself when you want to break a bad habit, bundling pencils together, ranchers know how they can be used on their young male livestock, you get the idea. There are almost as many uses for a rubber band as there are rubber bands.

Now, what is one thing every use of a rubber band has in common? The rubber band has to be stretched for it to perform any of it’s useful functions. That’s why John Maxwell calls one of his 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth, “The Law of the Rubber Band.” It says, “Growth Stops When You Lose the Tension Between Where You Are and Where You Could Be.” Not only does growth stop when you lose this tension, but, In the words of Abraham Maslow, “If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, then you will probably be unhappy the rest of your life.”

The problem with stretching is that it’s uncomfortable. If fact, if you haven’t stretched in awhile, it can be downright painful whether we’re talking about muscles or personal growth.

Sometimes You Stretch Yourself

One of the first things athletes do before any kind of exercise is stretch. Many companies have their employees stretch before the work day. Of course, they do this to warm up and loosen muscles to prevent injury and allow for strengthening. In personal growth it means we set goals that are just beyond what seems possible. We set “stretch goals.”

We’ve all heard of S.M.A.R.T. goals, right? What does the “A” in smart stand for? Achievable. Does that sound like a stretch goal? Mark Murphy, CEO of Leadership IQ proposes a different kind of goal in a white paper called, “Are SMART Goals Dumb?” He proposes H.A.R.D. goals. In his model the “D” stands for Difficult. It means, “I will have to learn new skills and leave my comfort zone to achieve my goal.” Now we’re talking about stretching. Rabbi Nehman asks, “If you won’t be better tomorrow than today, then what do you need tomorrow for?”

When was the last time you set a goal that required you to learn something new and leave your comfort zone? How else will you become all that you’re capable of being? You don’t want to end up on the wrong end of Maslow’s quote, right?

Sometimes You Get Stretched

Do you remember the toy called “Stretch Armstrong?” He was the super-hero you could stretch to 4 times his size. Mr. Armstrong, however, never stretched himself. He got stretched. Life can be like that. We can get thrust into situations that force us to stretch.

Three days after the Presidential election in 2008, seven people from the company I was working for at the time got laid off. I was one of them. If you remember the economic situation at the time, it was pretty tough. People weren’t hiring. One thing led to another and in a few months my wife, 3 of our children, and I were living in China and I was in a role I never would have imagined. That role led to me being acting director of an international school the next year. I had never lived overseas before. I had never worked in education before. I got stretched.

Albert Einstein said, “The mind that opens to a new idea never returns to its original size.” He’s right. Living in China was not on our radar screen at all prior to us moving there. But, the growth we experienced, personally and professionally, during those two years is something we wouldn’t change for anything.

Becoming all you can be requires growth. Growth requires change. Change is uncomfortable for most people. I recommend being intentional about it. Believe it or not, it’s more comfortable than getting stretched. Start small. Set a goal to try something you’ve never done before by the end of the month. Once you’ve tried it, reflect on the experience. Did you enjoy it? What did you learn? Another quote from John Maxwell is, “Experience isn’t the best teacher, evaluated experience is.” Unless I reflect on and evaluate an experience, I won’t learn from it and grow.