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Parents, Please Put Down your Phones!

We see it all the time. How many times have you joked with friends when you point at a table in a restaurant filled with 5 or 6 teens or young adults and every one of them is on their phone? You wonder if they’re having a conversation with each other via text, or what? You have so many human beings around a table to share a meal and not one of them is in the same room! It is an amazing and tragic destroyer of interpersonal connection.

A recent event, though, has prompted me to write this post. Suzi and I were traveling home yesterday from St. Louis where we attended the funeral of a dear friend who died way too soon! We reminisced and mourned the lost opportunities to connect with him in the future while we drove.

As we approached Kansas City, we decided to stop for a bite to eat. We pulled into a Chick-Fil-A and went inside. When we sat down to wait for our meal, we began to notice what was going on around us. To the side of us was a table with two toddler age girls, cute as buttons, sitting with their mom. We knew she was their mom because they called her, “Mom.” Now Mom had done quite a bit of work on her hair, but her little girls … not so much. The sad part of this story, though, is that Mom was on her phone doing God knows what the whole time we were there. Those adorable little girls got almost no attention. One of them got down from the table and went over to the door of the play area. She worked, and pulled, and tugged until she finally got it open only to hear from Mom who had just noticed what was going on, “No, come over here.” She almost got to play! Then she started to push a high chair around. Mom got an idea from that and put her in it. No more roaming around for this one!

Soon a grandma and her granddaughter walked in hand-in-hand, cute! Grandma took her granddaughter over to the play area and opened the door for her little doll. As she went in to play, we overheard grandma say, “Be kind to everyone.” “Wow!” we thought. That was cool. Grandma took a seat behind Suzi facing the play area. After a few seconds, the little granddaughter climbed to the top of the climbing area and quickly looked out the window at grandma her face beaming with delight over her accomplishment. But, grandma was on her phone. The little girl waited for a few seconds to be noticed but grandma never looked up. The little girl’s face fell and with a shrug she turned to continue playing. I wonder if she felt less important than a phone or more alone than she had when she came in. She probably didn’t form those thoughts in her head, but those seeds were planted.

Sitting behind me, Suzi noticed a Dad with his little Auburn-haired daughter. Maybe a daddy-daughter date? Cute. They sat across from each other eating. You guessed it. Dad was on his phone. The little girl’s auburn ponytail bounced around as she chatted to her Dad. He didn’t seem to notice. Really? Now, this story takes a wonderful turn. Dad eventually put down his phone. His little girl came over to his side of the table and sat with him while they worked together on the puzzle that had come in her kid’s meal. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

Like I said at the beginning, we see this all the time. What brought it home to us more powerfully this time was the realization we were experiencing from our friend’s funeral (not to mention a dear aunt I just lost and a great friend who was the husband of Suzi’s cousin) that life is too short. Don’t waste opportunities.

Parents, please put down your phones. I guarantee you will find in your children more entertainment than any Tic Toc video, more connection than any online instant message, and more education than any training program. You will have to engage them, to be active because relationship is inter-ACTIVE. Read to your kids, play with them, point out interesting things and people in their environment. Let the level of that interaction develop as they grow, but do it. The return on that investment will be children who love and honor you and who will be there for you when you’re old. Can you say that about any of the online “influencers” you follow?

Alternate Universes – The Power of “Yes” or “No”

I had breakfast the other day with an old friend I haven’t seen in 25 years. We spent two and a half hours catching up. It was fun! At one point he said, “I want to tell you a couple of wild things that have happened.” Who wouldn’t be curious about a statement like that? So, I said, “OK, go on.”

He is adopted. That’s important to the story. Someone in his family gave him one of those DNA tests as a gift. He turned it in and what he found out started quite a journey. Turns out he has a full sister who is a little older than him. Hold that thought. He also found his birth parents whom he has gone to meet. He said there pretty cool.

When he contacted his sister, she was excited and soon came to visit him. They’ve gone to see her childhood home together. Here’s the interesting part. When he was born, he found out, they reached out to his sister’s adoptive family to see if they wanted to adopt him, as well. They weren’t ready to take in another child at the time so they declined. He ended up in a wonderful home and he loves his parents with no regrets. As an adoptive parent myself, that was comforting to hear.

Here’s the real point of the story. After telling me all about this, my friend said, “You know, Jim, I’ve had the opportunity to look into two alternate universes where I might have grown up. Each of those hung on a yes or a no.” I think that is profound. His birth parents said, “No.” His sister’s adoptive family said, “No.” His adoptive family said, “Yes,” and that became his reality.

We’re faced with decisions every day. Some of them are potentially universe-altering with a simple yes or no. This makes me think of three things.

Be Mindful

We never make decisions in a vacuum. Our choices affect not only our lives but also the lives of others around us and even descended from us. There is potential life-altering power in a simple yes or no. Wield it wisely.

Be Decisive

Every decision is a yes to something and a no to something else. Don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis. Yes, be mindful, but make the choice. You may not have all the information or all the resources you’d like, but not making a decision is a decision. They say “fortune favors the bold.” Take action. Make the decision.

Be Flexible

One thing that might help with being decisive is realizing that many decisions, not all but many, can be reversed by simply making another decision. You may not be able to completely reverse course, but you can alter the direction you’re going with a choice.

My friend’s “universe” was the result of decisions that were made for him when he was a baby. He didn’t have a choice. But, his very successful life has been the result of great choices he’s made along the way from that starting point. His was a happy beginning. Many aren’t. Regardless of the starting point, you can alter your universe with a simple yes or no.

A Pandemic Proof New Year Vision

As we wind down 2021 and prepare for the next new year, I would like to revisit another post. This one was also a message I shared with friends at church. I posted this originally on January 6, 2020 under the title “2020 Vision.” Of course, this was pre-pandemic by a few weeks. Little did we know … right?! The good news is that the principles in this post are pandemic proof. This is about clarifying your purpose. If you prefer to watch or listen rather than read, here’s a link to the video of the talk I gave at church. It’s about 30 minutes long, your choice.

Happy New Year! I have a dear friend who lives in the Atlanta area. Each New Year’s Eve I text him at 9:00 PM my time (I live on the west coast). It’s always the same text message, “How does the future look?” This year his answer was a little different. It always says, “The future looks bright!” this year he said, “The future is so bright I’m seeing 2020!” We’re having a lot of fun with 2020 already, aren’t we? Did you catch the Barbara Walters 20/20 montage on New Year’s Eve? “This is 20/20” and “Welcome to 20/20” over and over again. It was pretty clever.

The New Year is a good time to talk about vision. When we talk about Mission, we’re usually talking about what we do. Vision is about why? Vision is about our personal or team or corporate purpose. It’s been said that when you know your “Why,” your “What” becomes more powerful. There is an ancient Proverb that says, “When there is no vision, the people cast off restraint.” It’s saying that absent clear purpose, direction and boundaries, people (individuals, teams, even companies) do whatever they want and that leads to chaos.

What’s Your Why?

I touched on this in a post a couple months ago. But, I want to unpack it a little here. How do you know your purpose, your why? I really like this exercise I learned from John Maxwell’s book Intentional Living. He suggests you can discover your “why” by asking the following questions:

  1. What do you Cry about? Almost everyone cries about things like the loss of a loved one (human or pet) or a broken relationship. So, the question is not what do you cry about? It’s, what do you cry about? What are the things that uniquely move you to tears? I’m a sap crier, not a sad crier. Don’t get me wrong, I cry about normal things. But I tend to cry more about things that are moving. My family calls me a sap. So, I had to reverse engineer this to discover that I cry about Ignorance (when people don’t know that things could be better or how to make them better). I also cry about Estrangement (when relationships that should be wonderful are broken). Finally, I cry about Devaluation (I’m not talking about currency here. I’m talking about when people are written off as having or bringing no value)
  2. What do you Sing about? Again, the emphasis is on you. What are the specific things that light you up to the point of wanting to sing? I get jazzed about discovery; when I see or help people learn the things that will transform their lives. I also want to sing when there is reconciliation, when those relationships that should be wonderful become wonderful again. Finally, I love it when those who’ve been written off are proven to be worthy. Call it redemption or transformation. I don’t care what we call it, I love it.
  3. What do you Dream about? This is not the big house, boat, or fancy car conversation. This is about what one thing, if you could change it, would make all the difference for you? I dream about spending the rest of my life launching leaders to live their legend (more about that in another post).
  4. What’s your sweet spot? What are you great at? It may be natural talent or developed skill, but you’re good at it. Your sweet spot is where your passion (what you cry and sing about), your dream(s) (what you dream about), and your talent and skills intersect. This is where you find your why, your purpose. this is your 2020 vision of who you want to become.

A Final Question

This is the point where you ask “what?” What are you going to do about all this? Dreams are free, everyone has them. The difference between dreamers who just dream and those whose dreams come true is action. Now that you know your why, your what will be more clear and it will certainly have more impact.

What are two things (small or large) you could do in the next week to move you in the direction of your vision? Do those. Happy New Year

Peace

I received a Christmas card from a friend and former coworker the other day along with a tin of yummy homemade Christmas treats (Thank you, Anna!). When I pulled the card out of the envelope I saw one word on the cover, “Peace.” Inside, the sentiment read, “Warm wishes for peace on Earth and blessings on your Christmas.” The reference comes from the Christmas story (not the movie, the one in the bible). After the Angel announced the birth of Jesus to the shepherds a company of Angels joined him and they proclaimed “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will to men!” That reminded me of the words to a Christmas carol based on the same pronouncement.

“I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day”

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play
And mild and sweet their songs repeat
Of peace on Earth, good will to men

Then, very much like the writer of this Christmas Carol, I looked around at our country and our world and thought,

And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on Earth, ” I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on Earth, good will to men

Then the carol reminded me of another promise of Christmas, hope.

Then rang the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead, nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on Earth, good will to men

People hate and fight and war because what they believe about right and wrong differs if they care about right and wrong at all. As a person of faith, I believe there is truth that defines right and wrong and that God is the author of it. I know my understanding is incomplete but, as the carol suggests, God will sort it all out in time. That knowledge allows me to be at peace on the inside even when the circumstances on the outside are not peaceful.

This Christmas week I wish you and yours Peace that comes from Hope that comes from the child that was laid in a manger. Blessings on your Christmas!

Transitions

I guess there’s a sense in which we’re all in transition. We get older. I’m writing this in December which means we’re in that three-month part of the year when my wife, Suzi, is older than me. Technically she’s always older than me, but between October and January it shows up when we write down our ages. Many years ago I put an ad in the local paper with her picture that said, “Suzi Thomason turns 30 today. Happy Birthday from your 29-year old husband!” Yes, I did! That scenario where she is “older” than me has come around over 40 times for us so far. The first time my progress in years really dawned on me was a few years back when I realized I was the age my dad was when I got married. That gives you some perspective.

Along with getting older comes the empty nest transition. I posted the other day that Suzi and I had gotten our Christmas tree together, alone, for the first time in a long time. That was bittersweet. The kids get older, they move out, they get married (no grandkids yet), have careers, make choices. You transition to a different role in their lives.

Those are transitions that everyone experiences. Well, most everyone, not everyone has kids, but everyone gets older. Then there are those transitions that are unique to you. Maybe you change jobs or even careers. Maybe you relocate to another part of the country or world. You may have experienced the breakup of an important relationship, a divorce, or the loss of a loved one.

The COVID-19 Pandemic caused a huge transition for people all over the world. Every time there is a change in political administration, the country goes through a transition. The point is things are constantly changing and we have to transition to something new.

How do you remain constant when things are constantly changing? We might lose our minds if something didn’t remain the same. Here are a couple of

ideas that have helped me.

  • Cherish Today. Yesterday is gone, we can learn from it but can’t change it. Tomorrow never comes. Just as it’s about to arrive, it becomes today. Today is a gift. Maybe that’s why they call it the present.
  •  Hold on to your values. Don’t follow the path of least resistance. That path makes both rivers and men crooked.
  •  Follow your north star, that point of reference that keeps you moving in the right direction no matter what. Mine is my relationship with God about whom the book of Provers says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”
  •  Commit to growth. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You’ll get stronger still if you consistently ask, “How can I grow through this?”

Suzi and I are in the midst of yet another transition. We’ve moved, again, job change coming, possible career change. We don’t know what’s beyond January. I plan to hold on to those four points. I’ll let you know what happens.

The Attitude of Gratitude Revisited

It’s Thanksgiving week. A lot is going in my life personally and in our country and the world. I decided to go back to see what I had written about thankfulness in the past. Two years ago, almost to the day, I posted what I’m reposting today. This was pre-pandemic if you can remember those days! I had just spoken at a church that week and I’m referencing that talk in the post.

Why Be Grateful?

There are more reasons to be grateful then there is space to write about but I shared four in particular:

First, The attitude of gratitude is good for you. Studies have shown that consistent gratitude is good for your mental health and physical well-being. Grateful people are better looking! Think about the most ungrateful person you know. Picture their face. Now picture a consistently grateful person. Who looks better? Grateful people have more friends because gratitude is attractive of positive relationships. Grateful people get more stuff because it’s way more fun to give to a grateful person.

Second, the attitude of gratitude is aligned with reality. The more we align our thinking and living with reality (some call it truth), the better our lives will be. This reality is that everything you have is a gift. I know you’ve all worked hard and earned your way. But, think of this question, how hard did you work to start your heart in your mother’s womb? Or, think of this question, how hard did you work to make sure your parents met? With everything that had to happen, the fact that any of us is even here is a miracle. Our lives are a gift, gratitude is the appropriate response to a gift. Your mama taught you that.

Third, the attitude of gratitude is the antidote to entitlement. We are living in a culture of entitlement (word nerd alert): “the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.” Entitlement is like a poison that withers people and cultures. It hollows them out and makes them weak. Entitlement is the epitome of ingratitude. Developing gratitude is the antidote. For the sake of ourselves, our children and our culture, we need to become a grateful people.

Fourth, the attitude of gratitude is a mark of obedience. The apostle Paul writes in two places in the New Testament of the Bible: “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be Thankful.” Colossians 3:15. And, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18. God’s commands always have a practical “why.” See the first three reasons for the attitude of gratitude for examples

How Can We Be Grateful?

I approached this question from three angles.

First, how can I have gratitude when bad stuff is happening to me? This is where the rubber meets the road for most of us. We all know about bad stuff happening in our lives. “Feel the burn” is a way of looking at the physical suffering of exercise as a positive thing. It means that our endurance is increasing. The physical suffering of exercise produces endurance that proves itself on the field or court when you perform. Seeing that progress of endurance and improved performance makes you feel good about the result like, “maybe there’s hope for me after all!” The same is true with character (check out Romans 5:1-5 in the New Testament, google it).

Second, how can I develop gratitude? Simply put, train your brain. Experts say we have 50K – 80K thoughts per day. Wow! Fortunately, our brains filter those thoughts so that we are often aware of only a fraction of them. The filter you have is either developed by your circumstances or you can adjust it yourself by what you think about. Your life gravitates in the direction of your most dominant thoughts like a flower grows toward the sun. We become what we think most about.

You have the ability to choose what to think about. As the apostle Paul said, again, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” Try keeping a daily journal of what went well today and what am I thankful for. Study that journal on a weekly basis. That will help train your brain and adjust your filter.

Finally, how can I express gratitude? Use your words. Say “please” and “thank you” often. Use your gifts. When you use the gifts you’ve been given (physical or spiritual) it honors the giver. Finally, use your body. You had to be there yesterday to get the experience but suffice it to say we practiced expressing our gratitude for God and his goodness in the same way we express our excitement over our sports teams.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!